Your One Trick Pony's Dead
by Hypnotica
Summary: RoyMaes yaoi! Songfic for the song 'Colorblind' by the Dresden Dolls. Don't have to know the song to enjoy it. Roy was Maes' shadow when they were young, how can he cope when Maes leaves him? No ponies were harmed in the making of this very depressing fic


A/N: I know, another songfic. I'm pathetic, aren't I? sigh Some of the lyrics of this song are just slightly creepy (I love you like a child? WTF?) but the rest fit these two well, so there it is. Roy/Maes slash, you were warned in the summary, so don't flame me. Please review though. Reviews make me a very happy person. As always, song lyrics are in the dashes. Roy's point of view, yay! I never thought I'd actually write this pairing, as it is the single most depressing thing on the planet. Stupid Hughes always up and leaves o poor Roy… dumbass. Enjoy and review!

Colorblind

-I love you like a brother-

We were always close. In the academy, and after we graduated. We were always such good friends, stuck together through thick and thin. I was shy back then, but you've always been a big goof. In those days, you never saw Maes without his scrawny little shadow. And you never left me behind. You were my protector, in a way.

-And I love you like a child  
And I love you like a lover-

But it didn't take long for us to become more than just friends. Your shadow started developing feelings for you, and you've always been able to read me like a book. You sat me down one night and spoke to me gently, you knew I was socially awkward and confused. I thought for sure you'd reject me, however gently, but you kissed me instead.

-And I love you dumb and colorblind-

I was so infatuated, it made you laugh. But when it mattered, and often when it didn't, you reminded me you loved me back. When the bigger boys teased me or beat me up, you were always there to pick up the pieces and dry my tears. What a turn around. No one would even dare to touch me now, and I'm envied by many. I guess your school years don't really matter, just like you always told me.

-And I love you like a mother  
Even after all you've done-

Then there were those days you refused to tell me what you were thinking, when we fought, when I got jealous. They were always so painful for me. I always said it was my fault and apoligized, even if it wasn't. I just wanted you to hold me again.

Then you cheated on me with her. And she wound up pregnant. And I said it was my fault, I apoligized, just like I always used to. I cried like I hadn't in years, suddenly that pathetic, dependant boy again, begging you to tell me what I'd done wrong.

You just shook your head and told me it wasn't my fault at all.

I would have been happier if it was.

-And I love you like no other  
But I know you're not the one...-

If it was meant to happen, it would have, I keep telling myself. If you'd been as happy with me as you said you were, you would never have slept with that girl. But no matter how many times I repeat those words to myelf, I can't stop loving you. No matter how hard I try, I'm still as deeply infatuated as your shadow used to be.

-And I loved you in bright orange  
And in violet and in green  
And I loved you in such colors  
As your eyes have never ever seen-

You made me feel emotions I'd never even known existed. Lust, passion, hope, joy, jealousy, and so many that have no names. You brought out so much in me, and you still are. But I'm not sure any of it's good anymore. It's like poison in my system. It feels like the aftermath of Ishbal, preparing to do the taboo, the near need to die.

But where are you to snap me out of it, to draw this poison from my veins?

-And I loved the way you acted  
But your one trick pony's dead-

We stay friends, that was the idea. I couldn't live without you by my side, even if it wasn't in the way I really needed you. You still joke and laugh, pester me like you used to. But it doesn't entertain me anymore. I'm too busy falling inside myself. And you're trying so hard not to notice.

-And I loved you unprotected-

Without you I feel naked, raw, bare to the elements. The flames lick my exposed flesh, threatening to consume the shadow, abolish my battered soul. Without you, I can't keep the fire at bay, I can barely control it.

And soon, I will be gone. Burnt all to ashes. And those are pieces I'm sure you can't pick up, even if you tried.

-But now I only love in red-

Now I only know a pain as crimson and searing as the fire that is my namesake, as fatal as the blood of so many Ishbalans that shouldn't have died. As unforgiving as the eyes of those few Ishbalans who survived, and as strong as the liquer I've taken to drinking nightly.

-I know it's dark for good-

But I know you'll never come back. I can't give you what you want, but she can. A family. I swear, if I could, I'd happily start a family with you. I want to be your family. I want you to come home to me every night and give me a kiss on the cheek, I want you to wake up next to me like you did back in the days when I was your shadow. Now I feel like my own shadow doesn't even exist, as though I am slowly phasing out of this world. I lost my anchor.

-I never listen when I should-

Understand that it's difficult for me to believe, to accept. After all the years I had you to lean on, that I had your stability, it's hard to hold myself up. I needed you to be my rock, someone I could always hold on to. And now you've taken that away.

-You only see in black and white-

It's one thing or another with you. No middle-ground, no second-guessing. Whatever you choose, you're for it a hundred percent. Funny that I never had a problem with this until what you chose wasn't me.

-So go on back to your own kind  
And I'll go back to mine-

And we are still friends, but you still mean so much more to me. And I need more than just friendship from you now, now that I know what it's like to be held in your arms, to kiss your lips, to fall asleep beside you, skin to skin. I know it's selfish of me, but I just can't settle for less anymore.

-I love you like a brother-

Closer than close. Whether you were working under me and pushing me to the top or had me under you, clutching at the bedsheets and moaning your name.

-And I love you like a child  
And I love you like a lover-

I always needed your love like I needed air and water and blood. Like a flame, it was comfortingly warm, but could also hurt. Like a flame, it was fascinating, and difficult to control. Like a flame, it could be doused or fed, or left to simmer into embers.

But those embers would burn quietly, painfully, insistently, for near on forever.

-And I love you dumb and colorblind-

And still, sometimes, when you're in the room I can't think straight. And still, sometimes, I can't stop a blush. And still, sometimes, I can't find words to speak to you. And always you are in my thoughts.

-And I love you like a mother  
Even after all she's done-

Even if you're not mine anymore, even if she's taken you away from me, I still love you. I can't stop. I'm sorry if I can't help but blame her, please understand. You never even told her about us, so it couldn't be her fault.

I still wish it was my fault. Then I could fix it.

-And I love you like no other  
But I know you're not the one...-

As much as I tell myself it's not meant to be, that I will get through this, I can't.

I can't do it.

Even if I have grown so much stronger over these years, even if the tables have very nearly turned, I am still your shadow.

A shadow can't survive on its own, Maes.

Finish.

A/N: That. Was. Depressing. That was quite possibly the single most depressing thing I've ever written. I think I might go curl up in a corner and die now. Holy hell. That was extremely angsty and introspective. It is also now half past one in the morning, so I apoligize for any incoherence. I think it's okay, I mean I feel awake… review and tell me what you thought of my first shot at this pairing, please!


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